Mgr. Zuzana Navrátilová PhD.

Psychológ, Psychoterapeut Slovenskej psychoterapeutickej spoločnosti

mozem-urobit-vsetko

Môžem urobiť hocičo, nestačí to

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On 30 marca, 2016

In Články

Dobrý deň, nikdy by mi nenapadla, že budem prosiť o pomoc v nejakom časopise, ale som v tekaj situácii, že naozaj neviem, na koho sa obrátiť. Ide o to, že som tesne pred rozvodom a s manželkou máme trojročnú dcéru. Sám som z rozvedeného manželstva, a preto som bol presvedčený, že mne sa to nestane a naše dieťa vychováme v kompletnej rodine. Vskutku mám pocit, že som pre to aj všetko spravil.

S manželkou sme sa poznali len krátko, dieťa sme mali neplánovane a vlastne to bol aj dôvod, pre ktorý sme sa vzali. Od začiatku som žene v domácnosti pomáhal ako som vedel, no čím viac som pomáhal, tým viac povinností mi určovala a nikdy nebola spokojná. Nikdy nezabudnem na to, ako som našu malú po nociach nekonečne dlho uspával a manželka mi zakaždým aj tak vynadala, že to bolo málo, že som s ňou chodil po byte príliš rýchlo, príliš pomaly, príliš hlučne atď. Nebol som z toho nadšený, ale radšej som nevyvolával konflikty, pre pokoj dieťaťa.

Teraz už viem, že by asi bolo bývalo lepšie sa ozvať a hneď si niektoré veci prediskutovať. Boli sme dokonca u psychológa na párovom poradenstve, no ten človek mi vôbec nesadol, celkom jednoznačne nadŕžal mojej žene, takže som tam viackrát ísť odmietol. Moja žena zase nechcela ísť k nikomu inému.

Vrchol však je, že rozviesť sa chce nakoniec moja žena, aj keď dôvodov na nespokojnosť mám oveľa viac ja. Zdá sa mi už, že nech by som spravil čokoľvek, na nič by to nebolo. Ako keby som bol pre už od začiatku len nejaký „omyl“ a tie tri roky so mnou bola, klen aby mala doma pomocníka (alebo skôr otroka).

Som z toho nešťastný, moje sebavedomie je na nule – napriek tomu, že som robil všetko, čo som vedel, výsledok je katastrofálny. No najmä som zúfalý, čo bude s našou dcérou. Takýto osud som jej naozaj neprial. Poraďte, je tu nejaké východisko? Dá sa vzťah ešte nejako zachrániť? Spravil by som pre to čokoľvek. A ak je to už stratené, ako sa s týmto všetkým dá vyrovnať?

Milan K., 31 rokov

mozem-urobit-vsetkoMilý Milan, z vášho listu cítim nesmiernu túžbu vzťah zachrániť a zároveň veľké sklamanie a trápenie z toho, aký je výsledný efekt. Tiež vnímam, koľko energie venujete a venovali ste vášmu manželstvu a teraz neviete, ako ďalej. Pýtate sa, čo viac by ste ešte mohli spraviť, a tiež vás trápi osud vašej dcéry. Absolútne rozumiem vašim pocitom sklamania a rozčarovania. Predsa len manželstvo a rodičovstvo je jednou z najdôležitejších vecí v živote väčšiny ľudí. A teraz máte pocit, že ste v tomto poslaní zlyhali. Preto oceňujem, že ste našli to odhodlanie a napísali o svojom probléme.

Uvažujem nad tým, čo by pre vás mohlo byť v samotnom riešení vášho problému dôležité. Zachraňovať manželstvo pre rozvodom, hľadať kde sa stala chyba, alebo posilniť svoje sebavedomie a načerpať silu na zvládnutie situácie rozvodu a ďalšej starostlivosti o dcéru? Budem sa snažiť vyjadriť ku každej spomenutej rovine vášho problému, ktorý je však komplexnejší.

Som presvedčená, že vzťah a manželstvo sa dá zachrániť, dá sa na ňom pracovať, ak obe strany chcú a dohodnú sa na spoločnom cieli. Iba vaše úsilie ho nezachráni. Obaja musia chcieť tú istú vec. Píšete, že aj návšteva partnerského poradcu, z uvedených dôvodov, zlyhala Je skvelé, že ste túto možnosť využili. Ale ako sám vidíte, ani to nezaručí zlepšenie vzťahu, pokiaľ takáto forma pomoci jednému alebo obom partnerom nesedí. Vám nesedel poradca, manželka nechcela ísť k inému. Každý ste chceli niečo iné. Preto by možno bolo fajn, ujasniť si aj s manželkou, či chcete obaja ešte vzťah zachrániť. Pretože ak je jeden z partnerov rozhodnutý vzťah ukončiť, nech má na to akékoľvek dôvody, nikto s tým nič nespraví a ani vy, ani poradca takýto vzťah, z jednej strany ukončený, nezachránite. Takéto ujasnenie by vám ušetrilo sily, ktoré by ste inak investovali na dosiahnutie márneho cieľa.

Rozumiem tomu, že keď ste už toľko energie a úsilia do manželstva vložili, chcete vedieť, kde sa stala chyba. Takto na diaľku sa to nedá presne posúdiť, ale myslím si, že dôvodom nezhôd rozumiete sám celkom dobre. Ako píšete, začiatok nebol ideálny, dieťatko prišlo neočakávane, mohlo vás to oboch aj zaskočiť, mali ste pocit, že manželke niečo vadí atd. Presa len, rola manželského partnera a rodiča prináša veľa nového, nepoznaného a vzorom pre zvládanie takýchto situácií sú nám často vlastní rodičia. Tu píšete, že ste tiež nemali pozitívnu skúsenosť, to však už tiež neovplyvníte.

Ak by som vám mohla poradiť, zamerala by som sa na to, čo ovplyvniť môžete. Pretože platí, že aj keď prestávate byť manželmi/partnermi, neprestávate byť rodičmi. A spoločná dcéra je pre vás obrovským darom a do vzťahu s ňou sa oplatí investovať. Môžete pri tom využiť všetko to krásne, čo ste spolu už zažili, a aj vlastnú skúsenosť vyrastania v rozvedenom manželstve. Môžete jej tak lepšie porozumieť a dať jej to, čo bude potrebovať v ťažkých chvíľach vášho partnerského rozchodu. Vám na to prajem veľa sily.

 

 

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