Mgr. Zuzana Navrátilová PhD.

Psychológ, Psychoterapeut Slovenskej psychoterapeutickej spoločnosti

odputanie

Odpútať sa býva ťažké

By

On 30 marca, 2016

In Články

Dobrý deň, chcem Vás požiadať o radu v tak trochu delikátnej veci. V tridsiatich rokoch som si konečne našla priateľa, ku ktorému som presťahovala od svojej mamy. Tá to však nesie dosť ťažko (ostala doma sama s mačkou a papagájom) a pod rôznymi zámienkami nás často navštevuje. Raz má napečený koláč, inokedy sa je práce urodilo niečo na záhradke, alebo „len tak ide okolo“, tak sa zastavila. Priateľovi to už začína vadiť a tlači na mňa, aby som to celé nejako vyriešila. Ja by som už tiež rada viedla samostatný život, no mamu mám rada a nechcem jej len tak zakázať, aby k nám chodila, alebo aby sme sa vídali. Myslím, že by to mohla niesť veľmi ťažko, čo keď sa urazí? Nechcem byť tá zlá, no cítim, že mám v rukách príliš veľkú zodpovednosť. Neviem či to ustojím. Ako jej mám povedať, že nás už tak trochu otravuje?

Romana Z., Púchov

odputanieProblém, ktorý opisujete je pomerne častý. Súvisí so schopnosťou alebo skôr neschopnosťou rodičov odpútať sa od svojich detí, ale aj naopak detí od svojich rodičov. Je pravda, že nechať dieťa žiť svoj vlastný život je pre každého rodiča náročné. Má pocit, že o dieťa prichádza, ak už nežijú v spoločnej domácnosti, ak si nájde partnera, ktorému venuje prevažnú časť pozornosti. Pokiaľ túto svoju rodičovskú rolu rodič úplne nezvládne, napríklad pre vlastný pocit osamelosti alebo silnú citovú naviazanosť, spôsobí tým problém aj svojmu dieťaťu. To má potom, tak ako vy, pri osamostatňovaní sa problémy a pocity viny voči rodičovi, ktorého zanecháva doma samého. A pocit viny, pocit, že ste zlá, keď sa vám nepáčia časté matkine návštevy je prácu tou zbraňou, ktorú rodič, často nevedome, používa voči vlastnému dieťaťu v jeho ceste životom a ktorou si zabezpečuje, aj keď iba povrchne deklarovanú, priazeň potomka.

Zdá sa, že s mamou ste na seba silne citovo naviazané, veď ste boli v jej živote prítomná každý deň celých 30 rokov. Je prirodzené, že vášmu partnerovi sa to nepáči, keď váš vzťah s mamou zasahuje do vášho vzťahu s ním. Je to dôležité si uvedomiť, že ide o dva rôzne vzťahy a svety. Vy ste sa práve prehupla do toho partnerského, čo ale neznamená, že prestávate mať mamu rada. Toto by si mala uvedomiť a rešpektovať aj vaša matka. A je na vás, ako jej to podáte. Myslím si, že povedať jej priamo, že otravuje, je trošku netaktné. Volila by som skôr formu dialógu a vysvetlenia, láskavého ale jasného, že máte už svoj súkromný priestor, do ktorého patrí iba váš priateľ, že ste rada, ak vás príde navštíviť, ale vtedy, keď ju sami do svojho priestoru pozvete. Zároveň tiež, že existuje spoločný priestor vzájomného vzťahu, do ktorého patrí práve ona. Dáte jej tým najavo, že vaša láska k nej sa nezmenila a zároveň, že musí rešpektovať váš súkromný partnerský priestor.

Ak vás má skutočne rada, nebude s tým mať problém a nebude vás považovať za zlú, aj keď zo začiatku to možno bude ťažko niesť. To je niečo, na čo sa musíte dopredu pripraviť, s tým, že to nemusí prebehnúť úplne hladko a že ju to bude bolieť. Je však na mame ako to zvládne, rovnako aj na vás, ako vy zvládnete jej nevôľu a nepríjemné pocity. Je čas oddeliť sa fyzicky aj emocionálne, a to je úloha pre vás obe.

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