Prosím o radu. Mám 29 rokov a problém rozhodnúť sa. Týka sa to jedného muža. Je o trochu starší odo mňa. Je chorý, postihnutý, tak ako ja, má tu istú diagnózu. Poznáme sa z nemocnice. Nie je veľmi pekný, ale je ku mne dobrý. Je nám spolu dobre, chce, aby sme boli spolu častejšie. Máme sa aj radi, túžime po všetkom peknom. U neho je to zložité, má ťažko postihnutého otca aj brata. Túžim s ním byť, ale je to podľa vás správne? Keďže je chorý, situácia v rodine… Túžime po peknom vzťahu, ale máme ostať len kamaráti? Je lepšie nebyť spolu, zabudnúť na to?
Silvia z Košíc
Milá Silvia, z vášho listu vnímam naliehavosť vášho problému aj túžbu ho nejako riešiť. Píšete však viac o tom, čo je pekné, ako o tom, čo je problém. Ako trápenie u vás vnímam to, že sa neviete rozhodnúť, či máte ostať naďalej v partnerskom zväzku s priateľom, s ktorým vám je dobre. Prípadne sa objavujú pochybnosti o správnosti kroku ostať aj naďalej s ním. Neviem odkiaľ tieto pochybnosti pramenia, domnievam sa však, že to má niečo spoločné s postihnutím vášho priateľa. Škoda len, že ste nenapísali, o aké postihnutie ide a ako to ovplyvňuje jeho a aj váš spoločný život.
Vo všeobecnosti ale platí, a to máme dané našimi predkami, že biologický druh, a tam patríme aj my ľudia, má tendenciu si vyberať biologicky silných partnerov. Človek sa však od ostatných druhov líši tým, že jeho výber partnera nie je taký jednoduchý a zasahujú do neho aj iné aspekty, ako len sila jeho génov. Od toho, ako nám partner vonia, ako sa cítime, keď sme s ním, cez spoločné záujmy, životné ceste a skúsenosti, až po tie menej príjemné súčasti, ktorými sú zdravotné obmedzenia – vlastné aj toho druhého. Dôležitým vplyvom vo formovaní vzťahu je aj pohľad okolia na lásku dvoch, hoci rovnako zdravotne postihnutých ľudí. Akoby vďaka svojmu postihnutiu nemali nárok na lásku, akoby to bolo zakázané, nepekné. Akoby len to, čo je pekné, stálo za to, aby bolo milované. Takýto postoj možno vidieť aj vo vzťahu rodičov ku svojim deťom. Pokiaľ sú deti podľa predstáv rodičov, majú ich radi. Nebodaj, ak sa vyskytne závažné ochorenie, fyzické alebo psychické, prípadne nejaký telesný defekt, dieťa je rodičmi odmietané, nenapĺňa ich predstavy. Takto odmietané dieťa potom samo nevie prijať svoje zdravotné obmedzenie ani zdravotné limity druhých. Človek si často takýto pohľad neuvedomuje, môže sa ale prejaviť tým, že má pochybnosti o tom, či je vzťah s postihnutým partnerom správny, či má význam a budúcnosť.
Z vašich vyjadrení je ale jasné, že láska nepozná hranice a nie je limitovaná zdravím alebo chorobou partnerov. Píšete veľa o tom, čo máte spoločné, ako túžite byť spolu a prežívať spoločné chvíle. Viac však píšete o tom, aký je váš priateľ a málo o tom, aká ste vy, čo by ste vy sama chceli.
Pre riešenie vašich pochybností o správnosti vzťahu by vám mohlo pomôcť porozmýšľať, čo je pre vás dôležité, prečo chcete s partnerom byť a prečo naopak nie, čo sú pre vás plusy a mínusy takéhoto partnerstva, aké obmedzenia pre vás predstavujú jeho zdravotné limity a prečo vlastne o ňom pochybujete. Tým, že budete vedieť viac o sebe a svojich pocitoch vo vzťahu, ako aj o vplyve zdravotného postihnutia na vzájomný vzťah, budete schopná sa rozhodnúť, či s partnerom chcete ostať alebo nie.
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